you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
