I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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