woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
