just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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