I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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