i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
