is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
