This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
