i don't plan on having that self control this summer
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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