I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
