I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
