note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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