she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
