I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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