My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I touched a dick in church today
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
