why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
