Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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