wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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