My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
