If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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