Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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