i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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