I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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