...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
