He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
