the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
