I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
