Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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