yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
