the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
