Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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