Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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