How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
