You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
