My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
