Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Text me some of your sweat
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