Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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