You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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