Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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