Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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