seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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