you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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