you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
