I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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