My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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