I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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