I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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