It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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