Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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