Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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