onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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