Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Randomize
