I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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